NBC New PilOH MY GOD!

Poor, poor NBC. It seems like forever ago that the network of “Seinfeld” and “ER”…actually had either “Seinfeld” or “ER”. It’s indie hit “Community” has been jerked around, canceled, brought back, moved to Friday’s and is now on life support (although I do give them credit since the ratings haven’t been great.) It’s biggest commercial success “The Office” has grown stale and is also near death. Right now the network is “Parks & Rec”, “30 Rock” and a bunch of singing competitions.

But don’t worry! While “The Cape” and “Harry’s Law” didn’t quite stick like we all hoped they would, NBC has some new crap for our consumption! My friend Roy got some of these trailers from YouTube, and of course they’re property owned by NBC Universal which I do not own and blah blah blah legal terms. So lets gets started with the new hits!

“1600 Penn”

Bill Pullman returns to the role that finally ended the Bill Paxton/Bill Pullman debate for at least six months as President of Earff The United States. However I don’t think he’s President Whitmore in this wacky comedy, seeing as in the film he only had a young daughter and a dead wife, but here he has three kids* and a smoking hot blond for a spouse. Perhaps President Whitmore remarried, got rid of Mae Whitman (who for some reason has to constantly remind people she isn’t a lesbian) and instead sired some fat Perez Hilton-looking loser, a brunette with dead eyes and a younger boy who I’m certain will either get into numerous sticky situations or with be a genius who will help his father improve trade relations with El Salvador or something. I would say drink every time there’s a reference to “Independence Day” in this show, but then you would die ten minutes into the first episode.

Prediction: One Season

*I said three kids because I’m certain the heavy set girl in the back will be the Jan Brady of the bunch, constantly complaining about how hard it is for her to get noticed and no one loves her and I just cut myself in her honor.

“Go On”

Matthew Perry returns to NBC for some of that “Friends” magic! Apparently Monica died a month ago (h/t to the YouTube guy for the reference) and that has left Chandler all sad and IT ALL STARTED WITH A WHISPPEERRRRRRRR. God I hate that song.

Anyway, I’ve watched this trailer twice and I can’t get over the fact that Perry is doing a voice that sounds EXACTLY like ESPN Professional Jackass Colin Cowherd. Is this based on his life story? For that point alone, I hope this never even makes it to air. However it has Matthew Perry, plus the kid from “Everybody Hates Chris”, so it’ll make it on air.

Prediction: Six episodes

“Next Caller”

Fuck, another show about radio? Radio isn’t that interesting people, at least not now. There have been thousands of layoffs, it’s all syndicated programs and it’s a dying industry. There are about five companies left (Clear Channel, Cumulus, Sirius, Entercom and Disney) and they too just syndicate programming. It’s not the hookers and blow industry it once was.

Also, I own a shirt Dane Cook owns. If my back wasn’t killing me, I would proceed to burn that shirt. I wonder what wacky antics will take place at the station? Will someone curse on air? Will there be an incident with a hip hop star? WILL THEY CHANGE FORMATS!? OH GOD WILL THEY CHANGE INTO AN ALL CHRISTIAN ROCK STATION!?!?! The possibilities are endless! Or, rather, boring as shit.

Prediction: Two Seasons, because of Dude Bros

“Save Me”

Anne Heche returns to being bat shit crazy in a show about a person who survived a car accident and now has the ability to talk with God. I wonder if Heche actually knew the cameras were rolling or if she’s just always like this.

Anyway, if you can watch this, more power to you. I’m not a fan.

Prediction: One episode, then Heche will once again be abducted by aliens

“Guys With Kids”

Oof. Double Oof. Someone at NBC approved this. Seriously, someone at NBC saw this trailer and instead of burying the film next to old ET video game cartridges and foes of the mob, decided “what the hell? We can’t fall to fifth” and planned to give it airtime. A poster on YouTube pretty much summed it up by saying “shouldn’t this be on TBS?”. Whether it’s the sassy black lady, the wife who “just wanted a nice night out” or the crazy ex-wife, this comedy made sure to hit all the sitcom clichés! It wouldn’t surprise me if they had a sassy gay friend wander in at one point. If you gave this show a chance after hearing that atrocious voice over at the beginning, you’re a better man than me.

Prediction: If there’s a God, it won’t make it on air. If not, it’ll go up against “Two & A Half Men” for Best Comedy.

“The New Normal”

We get it: the South is awful. Thanks, Elitist Jerkoffs In LA or NY! So tired of that line of reasoning, especially since Ohio and upstate New York have some of the most racist areas I’ve ever been to. I guess the world’s a different place when you’re looking through ironic non-prescription glasses.

“New Normal” is a new series from Ryan Murphy, the same guy who brought us “Glee”, and if that wasn’t bad enough he’s the same douche that throws a hissy fit every time someone bashes his show or refuses to appear as a special guest. Besides the fact that everyone involved in the show (outside of – of course – the racist mother) is a hipster (even the damn kid), the plot makes no sense. The mother wants to attend law school, so she devises a plan to…become a surrogate mother for a gay couple? In return, she’ll receive $35k and A LOT OF LIFE’S LESSONS. However I’m pretty sure you could just get a loan from the government to attend a community college, or just go back to the college you dropped out from, or just, like, not be a lawyer because you have no idea what it actually entails. Plus in case you didn’t get from the title and the theme of the trailer, the main character spells out the moral of the story that “loving families come in all forms” and bullshit bullshit bullshit. I don’t have a problem with gays adopting kids or getting married, however I do have an issue with lazy storytelling.

Prediction: Two seasons, because if you don’t watch it you’re obviously either homophobic or from the south, ya homophobe.

“Animal Practice”

This can’t be real, right? This is just an SNL Digital Short. No way this was seriously pitched. I refuse to believe someone got up at a meeting in front of all these execs smoking their cigars (like every big meeting) and then said “It’s like ‘Scrubs’, with animals!”, followed by a loud choir of hurumps and rabbles plus a cry for more cocaine. If this reaches the airwaves, I’ll be on the “Discerning Scumbag” blog, typing and watching religiously.

Prediction: Ruff-ly Thirteen Paw-Dropping Episodes! (DAMN IT, SHALIT!)

In Defense of Junior

When I was on First State Financial Sports Talk on Sunday with Mark Beurger, we talked a little about the Junior Seau situation. Seau recently took his own life, and the media – including us – were wondering what concussions, steroids, and pretty much anything, really, played a role in him deciding he wanted to commit suicide.

Now I’ve never played a down on professional football – shocking, I know. In fact in high school I quit football because I wanted to play baseball, plus I needed to see a tutor in whatever spare time I had. If I tried to throw a ball twenty yards my arm would probably fly out of socket, and I’m not even going to pretend I know how to properly tackle a guy. However I can somewhat understand where Seau is – was – coming from.

I have a special place in Kentucky that everyone knows about but isn’t often visited. It’s a spot off Interstate 64 in Frankfort: the Vietnam Memorial. There I’ve spent many of hours, watching deer, sitting, reading, thinking and pretty much passing the time. It’s a nice tranquil spot to gather one’s thoughts, and to take in all the beauty that Kentucky has to offer.

I came across that spot completely by accident, after one of the darkest periods of my life.

Most of you know me as “Mushmouth”: the guy who easily gets tongue-tied and occasionally slurs his words, but is genuinely a nice guy and is just doing what he loves. I’ve been “that guy” for almost three years, but for the 24 years preceding my stint at WLAP I was something practically completely different.

I first moved to Kentucky in 2006 from New York; Long Island to be exact. Even though I’ve grown to love Kentucky, I came down here against my will. You see in 2006 I was engaged to be married, and my fiancé wanted to work with horses. She figured “what place is better than the horse capital?” and before I knew it, I down here. Really, I was a young fool in love. I was ready to start a new life.

My first job down here was at Rent-A-Center in town, and believe me when I say those guys don’t get paid enough for the amount of crap they have to deal with on a daily basis. I hated it. I mean the type of hatred that drove me to drink for the first time in my life. However I was down here with someone I loved, and as long as she was with me, I’d put up with my lot in life.

About seven months in, things started to change. Tell me if you’ve heard this before: young couple makes a rash decision too early in a relationship, things get shaky, and then everything goes from bad to worse. Before I knew it she had a new “friend” and I was out. I had to find a new place – and fast – plus I still didn’t really know anyone down here. I didn’t have enough money or credit to get a place on my own, had no one to turn to in town and my nearest relative or friends was a thirteen hour drive away. I was alone in a town of over 250,000 and was royally screwed.

One day me and her had a terrible fight over the phone, concerning something as inconsequential as bookcases. Looking back on it, I can’t believe it went as far as it did. However some harsh words were exchanged – including a threat or six – and it pretty much sealed the deal: we were finished forever.

I’m not an overly emotional man, mind you. I’m like my father, where I listen to everyone else’s problems but rarely (at least seriously) talk about my own. However something happened that day that just made me think it was never going to get better so…what’s the point?

I decided to try and kill myself.

Being too scared to do what Seau did (also not having immediate access to a weapon), I made sure I got myself drunk before I attempted anything. About half through a bottle of Jack I figured out what I would do: I remembered there being a bridge on 64, however I wasn’t sure of its exact location or whether there was a guardrail or not leading up to it. I decided if there was a rail that impeded my car from either hitting the side or going over, I’d just calmly park my car and jump off of the bridge, and probably never be seen again.

As an insurance – seems kind of ironic to use that phrase here – I also took a knife along with me, just in case.

Two circumstances took place at the bridge that day which allowed me to write this piece today:

-          There was a guardrail there, and it looked strong enough where as my car would have just bounced off into traffic, and I didn’t want to hurt anyone else (meanwhile I had drank before I got into the car)

-          There was a stalled vehicle on the shoulder – plus heavy traffic – as my car headed west, so if I had pulled over I would have either been stopped by that person or someone would have witnessed me doing it.

After I passed the bridge I got off at the next exit, trying to plan my next move.

Should I turn back around and try it driving east?

Should I wait until it’s darker and there’s less traffic?

What can I do to make sure I don’t hurt or scar anyone emotionally that may be passing by, just living their life?

While I drifted on some road I’ve never been, I pulled off onto a side road near the capital. A little longer down that road, I turned once more into the Memorial parking lot.

As I sat there I KNEW I had friends and family that loved me. I KNEW that I would not only be letting them down if I went through with this, but I couldn’t bear the thought of my parents having to go through the process of grieving for their only child. Although I knew all of this, I thought I knew that this was the end. Nothing could make life any better.

I must have sat in that car for an hour, just staring a thousand yard stare towards nothing in particular, trying to figure out what to do. At last I decided to get out and walk.

The memorial itself is an understated structure; just a piece of metal protruding out of concrete to form a sundial. Yet it’s surroundings and it’s simple design work so elegantly together, especially at the right time of day when the sun is just about to disappear for the evening. The serenity of the memorial allowed me to gather my thoughts and conclude that everything that was happening wasn’t worth losing my life over. It allowed me opportunity to clear my head, gather my thoughts and decide what was best for me and for me only. Shortly after, I found a new place, made a lot of new friends, and eventually got a job doing what I love. I couldn’t be happier.

I’ve never had 50,000+ fans cheering my name. I’ve never played in a Super Bowl, let alone two of them. I’ve never known what it’s like to not be able to go into town, for fear of being mobbed by an adoring public.

And that’s the point.

Depression hits everyone. Even star athletes.

There’s no common element to depression. Depression doesn’t recognize social status, race, gender or age. It can fester for years inside a person; meanwhile the individual may not show any outward signs of there being anything wrong. Seau was loved by millions and had everything he could have asked for, however when it’s the end of the day and all you’re left with is your thoughts; those millions don’t know where Seau’s mind goes. All we can ask is why? Why would a still-young man with seemingly everything end it all so suddenly? We often forget celebrities are people too, and regardless whatever talent and abilities they possess, they too have thoughts, fears, dreams, and fits of rage or moments of joy. Just because we see someone on screen or in a 30 second interview doesn’t mean we see the TRUE them.

Two years ago one of my best friends Chris took his own life. He was only 24. Of course, no one saw it coming, but that didn’t stop us from asking why. We questioned if there was anything we could have done to stop it, or if there was something we did. I experienced then what I had hoped to avoid for my friends and family: pure grief and despair. If you saw Seau’s mom tearful plea for her son back, you know what a family goes through when a tragic event such as this takes place.

I took this time to not only write about my experience with depression, but to present a more articulate point on what I was attempting to say Sunday, without all my usual blathering but still littered with poor grammar. It used to make me sick when right after something happens that is this tragic, people will rush to judgment and for answers. I used to believe that it was the world we now live in, where everything answer has to be both instant and gratifying. However I know now that it’s just human nature, trying to explain things that either we can’t understand or won’t understand. We want an answer; we want to know why this happened and what we can do to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Perhaps it was related to concussions.

Or maybe, Junior Seau was just human.

Asking For Patience

The Trayvon Martin case is one that should be handled by the local authorities, with – if necessary – a fair trial in a neutral courtroom.

Unfortunately, that’s now impossible.

Here’s what we know: A month ago, 17-year old Trayvon Martin, a black teenager, was walking home from a local store after purchasing a pack of Skittles. He was confronted – after being tailed and stalked – by a 28-year old man name George Zimmerman, a half-white half-Hispanic neighborhood watch volunteer.

There are 911 calls on record which has Zimmerman murmuring under his breath something similar to “fucking coons”, which his lawyer is arguing is Zimmerman saying “fucking goons”. On that same call, Zimmerman tells the dispatcher “He has something in his hands.”

There is a call from Martin to his girlfriend, where he tells the girl a man (Zimmerman) is staring at him and following him.

A shot went out. Zimmerman’s 9mm had gone off, and Trayvon Martin lost his life.

That’s it.

Everything else is subject. Some neighbors told police they saw Zimmerman and the boy scuffle and then heard a shot while Martin was on top of Zimmerman, punching the 28-year old. Others say they heard Martin scream “Help!”. Still others say they heard Zimmerman screaming for assistance.

We have people convinced they heard Martin say “What now?” and head towards Zimmerman, even though we KNOW Zimmerman was following Martin.

In the end, we truly know nothing.

The police handled this case as an act of self-defense and let Zimmerman go, since they were unable to prove otherwise. In an odd procedure (I never heard of something like this), Martin was drug tested posthumously, and yet Zimmerman wasn’t. He was just let go.

After that, a police chief resigned and mob justice became dangerously close to breaking out in Florida. Everyone’s an expert on a case where the only one left alive who knows what happened is George Zimmerman. It’s Casey Anthony all over again, minus the overbearing presence of Nancy Grace.

I’m not going to say I know what happened. I’m not going to guess Martin’s moves or Zimmerman’s motive. All I know is this:

We all need to calm down.

I’m not exactly the biggest cheerleader when it comes to our judicial system, but it’s the best we have. Mob justice rarely – if ever – works out for the better. Justice can not be delivered by torches and pitchforks. The New Black Panthers have essentially put a bounty on Zimmerman’s head, and for that they should be ashamed. However, they’ll never admit that if they go after Zimmerman (who has already been labeled a racist in spite of no evidence existing of such outside of this incident) they’re no better than him. It’s not about justice, it has turned into revenge.

I don’t know Martin. I don’t know Zimmerman. What I do know is that killing Zimmerman without due process is unjust, and immoral. I can’t believe I even have to type those words.

The media isn’t doing any favors, painting this as a clear-cut “black vs white” case. Every time you see Zimmerman, he’s in an orange jumpsuit (Zimmerman was previously arrested for battery of a police officer – he pushed a cop – and the charges were dropped) and every time you see Martin, they show him around middle school age wearing a football jersey. The point is to both say Martin was innocent (probable) and Zimmerman is a notorious thug. You don’t show someone in prison garbs to portray the person in a positive light. This isn’t fair to Zimmerman. Of course, it’s not popular to stand up for a man accused of killing a teen, so good luck trying to make the argument that Zimmerman deserves a fair shake.

Geraldo is a jackass whose point isn’t even worth repeating.

Again, I’m not suggesting Zimmerman is innocent and Martin attacked him (which is what Zimmerman and his lawyers are alleging), but I’m also not saying that Zimmerman chased down Martin because Trayvon was black and Zimmerman is white/Hispanic.

We don’t know that this is race related, but the press sure as hell wants you to think that. Zimmerman himself has said he grew up in a multicultural household, and he’s never had a problem with people of other races. His statements mean little, of course, because if you killed someone of a different race while essentially hunting them down, you’re going to be perceived as racist. It sure as hell looked that way.

However you dig deeper into Zimmerman’s story, and it actually looks like something much more.

Zimmerman has always pined to be a police officer. Not only had he led efforts to create the neighborhood watch, in his past he chased down shoplifters, tailed reckless drivers, reported to the police incidents ranging from open garage doors and pot holes – all while using police jargon. Yet he never applied to become a cop; instead he applied for the citizens police academy, taking a class that met once a week and totaled 14 hours. He would brag to friends about his knowledge of the law, techniques that real police use and what to do in certain situations. It has all the classic signs of someone who thought/thinks he’s bigger than he truly is, someone who thinks he’s capable – and required – to enforce the law. Trayvon Martin could be a white male, wearing a hoodie (screw you, Geraldo) in the wrong place at the wrong time, with Zimmerman and his 9mm trailing not too far behind.

I’m not standing up for George Zimmerman because I believe he is innocent. I’m standing up for George Zimmerman because someone has to. If we allow ourselves to be swept into this wave of mob justice, if we allow ourselves to decide – without a thorough investigation and trial – what is the truth while having a minimal amount of facts, then as a society we become just what we’re supposedly rebelling against: an unjust system.

Please have patience. Please don’t sully Trayvon Martin’s memory by involving him in something that no one should be a part of. It’s bad enough that he was slain before he had the chance to live his life, but it would be a true travesty if he became a symbol for when we all lost our ability for rationale thought.

No Lists Needed

Every year around this time we’re subjected to a “best/worst of…” list on practically every subject.

Person of the Year? Sure.

Best Dressed? Yea, fine.

Most Christmas-y towns in America? I’m sure that helped some mayor’s reelection campaign.

I don’t understand the fascination with lists. One, I don’t think anyone’s opinion is really all that special, especially to the point where they’re the de-facto voice on the matter. A person can be more knowledgeable in a certain field, but just because you have seen every episode of Saturday Night Live does not mean you should rank every fucking cast member since the show started.

Second, – and not to go full Andy Rooney on everyone – everyone and their grandfather has a list. A best grocery list-list. A Most Beautiful South Korean Actress list. Even a list on the most badass piano duels in history. I don’t know about you, but I think Murchand – Bach was hosed.

At this moment you’re probably looking to left to make sure Phil Mushnick isn’t writing this column while eating a lemon. However I assure you that it is still me, John G.

Why do we feel the need to validate our opinions? It can’t all be done just to jump-start conversation, right? No one is that lonely, even this guy. I feel the same way about Hall Of Fame arguments. Every year, a sport will release its list of new members, and every year we have some assclown on radio/tv or in print will jump out screaming, saying it’s a travesty that so-and-so wasn’t considered.

Why does it matter? Again, does a player getting recognized for their achievements validate our opinion of them? Does someone else ranking “Homer’s Enemy” as the best Simpsons episode make it so? It’s all subjective. I know people that will argue to the death that Joe Dimaggio was the best Yankee of all time, and others that will trump up Mickey Mantle, Babe Ruth, or Lou Gehrig, while completely ignoring other players. Even when the opinion is based on hard evidence, in this case baseball statistics, emotions will always get in the way.

What makes one person’s list more valuable than another? Does having a larger platform, such as Grantland, give more weight to a list so fucking pointless that it can’t even follow it’s own rules?

Yet every time this last week of December roles around, I see list after list on pointless topics or (I hope) some sort of ironic best list-list. Hopefully December 21st, 2012 will shoot down enough fire and brimstone to make Gawker’s much-heralded “Best Apocalyptic Display of All Time” list.

Working To Live

I’m not going to make it big in radio.

It was hard for me to come to that realization, but a few months ago I succumbed to reality. I don’t have the voice for it. I love the atmosphere, but I hate the politics of it (which is ironic because I love politics.) It’s much easier for me to put my thoughts on paper than to go on air and try to think up a talking point on the fly.

Radio, television and – sadly – the real world don’t have time for people to generate an extensive, well-thought out argument. We want soundbites, generalizations and for a person to be easily categorized. We wanna know what you believe, why you believe it, and all under 45 seconds. Be concise and don’t forget those talking points! It’s a lot easier for people to understand something if it’s put it in terms of black or white, good or bad. However the truth is that life is rarely that simple.

I got the nickname “Mushmouth” because that’s the name I told people to call me. It’s obviously not my name (it’s John, btw) but I felt it best encapsulated my on-air personality: bumbling, rambling, and funny but most of the time scrambling for just the right word. I don’t know what it is, but when my mic turns on I can’t even read Go Spot, Go! without tripping over my tongue. Maybe I should see a professional, but I’m not sure it’s worth the trouble.

Yet when I go on air, I feel alive. I’ve always wanted to do radio, and I pursued that dream with a zeal that I have yet to match in any other aspect of my life. Even though I knew it was a dying industry, I protected my position and my industry any chance I get. Sure, I joke about it all the time, but I treat it like family: It’s fine when I joke around about my family, but when some outsider starts making too-cute jabs at someone – or something – I love, I get upset and fire back.

This isn’t a “woe-is-me” post. I couldn’t be happier with the chance I’ve been given in my life.

I went for it. I’m informed on subjects I’d actually like to discuss, but unfortunately I don’t work on those subjects. I never got into college anything: basketball, football, volleyball, hell even academia itself never aroused curiosity to me. I learn what I want to learn, I absorb practically every facet of it I can, and then move on. If I don’t care for something, I can’t feign interest. Unfortunately I’m the same way with people; that’s probably why I was such a terrible waiter. I can’t fake being nice. I can’t even smile if I don’t like someone.

I’m lucky to have met some really interesting people in this business, to go along with the interesting people I’ve met in my everyday life. If there’s one thing this job has proven to me, it’s that people come in all shapes and sizes, with different likes and dislikes, and that no two people are the same. Cliche, I know.

I’m 26 years old. My life is nowhere near over. I don’t think I’m a failure, and I’m not. I try not to gauge my life by “external” standards: fame, prestige, adoration. If you chase those things, your life will most likely end in failure.

Recently I’ve been looking more inward, wondering what I can do to improve me, not Mushmouth. I’ve been teaching myself how to cook. I’ve cut down on drinking. I try to stay more in touch with friends and family. I’m trying the better person I know I can be. It’s tough, but it can be done. I know people who while they were in their 50s changed their whole outlook on life and have never been happier.

I have so many things I want to do in my life: get married, have a family, travel, watch the Jets win a Super Bowl (but I’ve resigned to the fact I may not see that one in my lifetime). I want to get old, and have my wife tell me I’ve led a good life. I want to be able to look back on what I have done, and have little regrets. I already have some regrets in my life, but I’m living with those and working every day to make up for them. I don’t consider my radio career a failure; if I hadn’t tried it at all, that would have been a true failure.

My point is…well I don’t really think I have a point.

There are people out there who know me as Mushmouth: the “quiet off air, bumbling on air” personality, as John: the “boisterous loud mouth who always has a sarcastic remark” friend, or as Gallagher: the “shy guy who is always reading and people watching.” I’m all of those things, not just another radio flame-out who decided he couldn’t hack it in the media.

I’ll continue to be John Gallagher, but I don’t think Mushmouth will have a place at the table much longer.

And that is perfectly fine with me.

Kentucky Gubernatorial Debate

Because I have no life and love torturing myself, I decided to do a point-by-point breakdown of the Kentucky Gubernatorial debate that took place Tuesday at EKU. Now these aren’t the candidates full responses but rather points a synopsis of their statements.

**OPENING REMARKS**

Governor Steve Beshear (D): Believes he runs a clear, responsible government. Been fiscally responsible. Education is a priority for his administration, and believes the economy is turning around.

Gatewood Galbraith (I): Starts off his statement by making a joke to Williams and the crowd alluding to Beshear never showing up for debates (since he has a huge lead). Believes the state is bankrupt: $38 billion in debt. We need a governor who doesn’t care which party or which individual gets credit.

Senator David Williams (R): Governor races should be about the future. Directs people to his website for plans to get rid of corporate income tax. “We don’t need a caretaker.”

Question: Describe how your plan to get our economy back on track ensures everyone pays their fair share

G: Talks about the “Commonwealth Incentive Program” – which refunds education and creates job programs. Need to “show employers” that “our children can be trained to take part in their industry or in their worker training programs.” Wants to give each student a $5,000 voucher for books and tuition for any school in Kentucky “to train them into employability (Is that a word?)“. Wants to change the tax codes to be based primarily on consumption taxes.

W: Kentucky has double-digit unemployment. We’re not just competing with southern states, but with “the states that we affectionately call ‘The Rush Belt’”. (I couldn’t tell if he said “affectionately” or “effectually”. Either way it was out of place.) Wants to change tax structure; like Gatewood wants it to be consumption tax-based. Believes we need a “Right To Work” law, TORT reform and unemployment benefits reform.

B: Nothing is more important than jobs. He passed legislation that revised all economic incentive programs – even got Williams to vote for it. We now have companies that are growing and expanding. We now have over 350 companies in the state. The economy hasn’t fully rebounded yet, but we’re getting there.

G: We lost 94,000 jobs in the last two years. He asks”Where were all these great idea while (Beshear and Williams) were accepting paychecks from the people of the state of Kentucky? Why are they just now saying they have the answer?”

W: “Can’t pay real bills with potential jobs.”
“Government doesn’t need to pick the winners and losers.”

B: Tells people to visit the Economic Development website to see the agreements between the state and the corporations moving to the state. Asks the other candidates to go talk to people in the “community” and ask folks how excited they are for the new jobs. “Go talk to Senator Williams’ father-in-law, Terry Stephens of Stephens Pipe & Steel, who sat down with the Economic Development people & now have 25 new jobs in Russell County. It works, folks.”

(I checked out Beshear’s facts: It’s all true.)

Question: How would you stop partisan politics in Kentucky and make sure things got done?

W: Governor hasn’t been engaged in economic development in the state, outside of “(trying to) pick the winners and losers. It will take weekly meetings between Republican & Democratic lawmakers to reach a consensus on issues.” Thinks if you get people on your side and “the legislation will follow.” Said Republicans and Democrats work together more frequently than the newspapers report.

B: When he ran in 2007, he didn’t care if an idea was a Republican or a Democratic one, just as long as it was a good idea. He balanced the budget nine times through bipartisan leadership. (Great response, however it’s a slight twist of the truth. A candidate will bring it up later.)

G: Calls out Beshear – Says he hasn’t seen the bipartisan leadership Beshear is claiming in Frankfort. Says if you have a good idea, bring it to him since he actually doesn’t care who gets credit. (That gets a reaction from the invitation-only crowd, which has been told to hold their applause.)

W: Governor says he’s bipartisan, but that’s not true. Gives the example of Beshear’s own budget proposal, in which “(Beshear’s) own party says (it) should have been thrown in the trash.”

B: Says the “proof is in the pudding.” Repeats that he balanced the budget nine times, and the only way that’s possible is if he brought both parties together. Says he doesn’t care about people’s party affiliation.

G: Talks about a Herald-Leader article on how the jobs in the economic plan haven’t materialized. Mentions something that happened back in 1993, when former Secretary of Economic Development Gene Strong said that by 2012 80% of Kentuckians would be making $8/hr. Asks “who’s gonna buy the houses and cars?” Says the jobs better materialize and not be $8/hr. (I can’t find this quote anywhere outside of Gatewood’s website, so take that with a grain of salt.)

Question: The recent announcement of GE & Ford bringing jobs shows promise but what if you don’t have the skills for that type of work? What do you plan to do to improve the employment picture in Kentucky’s largest city (Louisville)?”

B: With GE we have brought back jobs from Mexico & China. Ford is investing over $600 million and adding a third shift at the essembly plant in Louisville. Ford has been closing plants everywhere, but not in Kentucky! (I’m sure Ford is thrilled he said that.) GE is doing the same! (Ditto.)

G: Goes back to Commonwealth Incentive. We need to have our students employable. We need to lure emerging industries into the state. “We will pay them to train our workers to work in their industry.” (This puzzled me. We’re going to give the companies with not only tax breaks, but also give them money to train people?)

W: Must take broader look at unemployment in state. “You can’t create enough jobs by the individual plans that try to overcome the structural barriers that we have in our state.” Have to change the system. We can’t just give rewards to corporate chieftons. Small businesses are just as important as the big corporations. “Right now there is a two tier wage system…What we do is give big incentives to companies & low paying jobs to the individuals who work there to start working now…Wages will go up when there is competition for jobs and that will be done by changing Kentucky’s work environment.”

B: “It’s obvious the economic incentive program is working because it bothers (Galbraith & Williams) tremendously to talk about it.” He then talks about Williams’ father-in-law getting a package over $1 million to create 25 new jobs.

G: Brings up the Kentucky “Ark Park”, where most jobs that were added were only $8/hr. Says we can’t tax the people working there: They’re the working poor. Says that incentive money is now going to people generally out-of-state, the landlords.

W: We were supposed to have a nationwide search for an Economic Development Secretary, “but low and behold Governor Beshear found him fight there in his office!” (Great line.) We need to depoliticize the whole process, and says our whole tax system is backwards.

Question: Many environmentalists have called for a ban on Mountain Top removal. Where do you stand on the issue?

G: Is against it completely. Believes it is overly destructive. Not against coal though. Wonders why do you HAVE to be pro-coal OR pro-green? Is against the $150 million a year coal subsidy; should put that back into education and funding medicare. Also wants to look for alternative forms of energy like hemp. (Gatewood used to run on a pro-marijuana legalization ticket, but has toned it down this year to focus more on the economy.)

W: Says coal is important to all of Kentucky (not one candidate would argue otherwise and expect to get elected) and that we need it “to compete with others…” (what?) He continues: “…when you do manufacturing jobs and it’s really important to the poorest of the poor because they use a higher percentage of their electricity…of their electricity than those more fortunate.” (That was a word for word transcript. If someone can explain that to me I’d love to hear it.) Supports mountain top removal. Also supports use of coal “any way that’s feasible.” This is also the first time Williams references Obama, this time saying Obama tried to kill coal production and connects it to Beshear.

B: Coal is vital to Kentucky. It allows us to attract other industries because of low-cost energy. Also “helps the national security of our country.” (I get what he was saying, but that remark by itself sounds stupid.) The only way you can do surface mining is if you can show a better and higher use for the land after it is done to leave it flat, such as a hospital or an airport.

G: Hardly any mining rules are enforced anymore, as evident “by the deaths of the 29 miners in a mine that had more than 10,000 safety infractions.” Thinks every penny of severance tax that is generated by the minerals extracted from the county should go right back to that county.

W: Can’t enforce the rules if you can’t get the permits. (Cryptic remark) Has another Obama reference (to the lack of permits approved by the administration) and Beshear’s continued support of Obama’s reelection.

B: We fought the Obama administration and the EPA when we thought they were being “arbitrary and unreasonable.” Filed suit along with the Kentucky Coal Association against both. Doesn’t want to rely on countries “who don’t like us” for our energy.

Question: Kentucky Downs instituted instant racing, with Family Foundation standing in opposition to that. What is your position on expanded gaming in Kentucky and how do you justify that position?

W: Opposes it. If it is ever expanded, it should be done by a Constitutional Amendment. Governor said he would propose an amendment and get it through the General Assembly but he’s never been able to get it passed the House, which was overwhelmingly controlled by his own party. Thinks slot machines are the worst enemy of those at racetracks. Says Beshear doesn’t have a plan to help the racing industry, so he just wants to blame everyone else.

B: We are in danger of losing the horse industry here in Kentucky, and the 100,000 jobs associated with it, due to every state competing against us with expanded gambling, which is also supplementing their purses. The Senate won’t let the amendment come to a vote. They passed the bill in the House, sent it to the Senate where Williams wouldn’t let it come to a vote. Beshear then references David Williams gambling losses from out-of-state. Says he wants to keep people “like Senator Williams” in state.

G: The failure for expanded gaming points to poor leadership. Believes if it passes, it should be a state run enterprise, and not owned or operated by a private business, “like the injuns do!” (yes, he said “injuns”) Says we have to increase the purses. “There’s only one function to thoroughbreds: run around an oval. They’re too expensive to eat and they won’t pull a plow, so we need to do something about keeping it here.”

W: “If the Governor owned a horse, he would call it ‘Cheap Shot’. because that’s all he’s been doing tonight.” (Boo. Also, that’s not a cheap shot.) (At this point Williams starts to ramble, avoiding Beshear’s point)

B: “Williams should say he’s willing to step out of the way and let the Senate vote (on the issue.)”

G: Talks some more about Indian casinos. Proposes the state-owned casinos giving higher returns to gamblers than those in Vegas and Atlantic City. Wants to make it a “tourist Mecca.”

Question: Over the last decade, tuition at Kentucky’s public universities has more than doubled. UK Student Body President says it’s time to draw the line on tuition increases. Will you be the governor to make that happen?

B: No Kentuckian should be denied higher education due to costs. Urged the Post-Secondary Education Council to keep the costs down. While we have trimmed the budget, we have not cut student financial aid or KEES scholarships.

G: Yet again goes back to the Commonwealth Incentive (on freezing tuition.) Also goes back to the Gene Strong point. This time, he brings up the P.S. Secondary council wanting to double the numbers of Bachelors Degrees by 2020, “but are we going to give them the $8/hr jobs?” “Someone who fixes a transmission, someone who can fix an air conditioner is going to be far more valuable than someone who has a master’s in English Lit!”

W: In the 2008 budget proposal, Beshear proposed a cut to higher education funding, and he also played around with the KEES scholarship money. Beshear wanted to bond $800 million in KEES Scholarship money for current expenses. Believes the cost of higher education in Kentucky is still a good deal. Says we need to create a better economy with higher paying jobs in Kentucky first.

B: Says Williams told him to cut everything across the board, including education, when they were balancing the budget.

G: We’re $38 billion in debt. How is that a balanced budget? We’re borrowing against the future.

W: Beshear has never balanced a budget. We have an unbalanced budget right now! We’re $200 million short this year!

Question: What would you do to ensure Kentucky’s road and bridges are maintained in the future? (about Sherman Minton Bridge)

G: It’s going to take tax dollars. State is shoveling $2 billion to private corporations for “private service contracts” work. That’s all greed and corruption. We should take a million or more of that and put it somewhere else. Brings up the consumption tax once more.

W: Louisville’s bridges are a tremendous problem. Williams and former Louisville Mayor Jerry Abramson pushed for an Infrastructure Authority, but now under Beshear it had slowed down. This should be the #1 project in the state.

B: Governor Daniels (R – Indiana) and Beshear have worked together on the Sherman Minton bridge. The Louisville Bridge Project has gone farther in the last two years with me & Daniels working together than it’s gone in 40 years. We are now within a year of “putting a spade in the ground.”

G: “These people have been in office all this time. It is amazing how educated they have become to the problems of the state of Kentucky…but it never seems to come to the forefront until it’s election time.”

W: “If you believe that there will be a ‘spade in the ground’ on the Ohio River Bridge project in 10 months when there’s not a finance plan in place, there’s no approach or theory on forms they are going to use…If you’re in Louisville you ought to be mad as fire!” Says Beshear wants to wait until after the election to mention to the public that there will be tolls to build the bridge.

B: We brought in a transportation secretary to make sure everything is transparent and ethical. We rooted out problems and tax payers are now getting their money’s worth.

Question: During the last session of the general assembly, a bill to make psuedoephedrine a prescription drug did not pass. Do you feel pseudoephedrine needs to be a prescription drug, and if not, how would you fight the meth epidemic?

W: Supported that bill. Conceded that making pseudoephedrine more difficult to get wouldn’t do much for the meth problem. “We need to do something to help the very real problem of our first responders & innocents who innocently run across the meth labs.” References Barren County Sheriff Chris Eaton getting injured during a meth lab bust. Says pharmaceutical companies “misrepresented the people of the Commonwealth” by saying “we” were going to take all cold medicines off the market. In fact, “very few people actually need pseudoephedrine”. He will work very hard to fight the meth problem.

B: Saw a study that showed “we’re losing more people to overdoses than to car wrecks,” and that is “unacceptable.” Him, Greg Stumbo and Jack Conway announced some measures to attack the prescription drug abuse problem, including the out-of-state pill mills.

G: Was originally against making it a prescription drug, but has seen up close the damage it’s caused families and is now for it. Says pill addiction has “crippled” the state. Wants to sue the pharmaceutical companies for almost $1 billion to fund drug treatment programs. Refers people to “Iboga”, a 24-hour treatment/cure (he went back and forth with the description) for opiate addiction.

W: Says Beshear didn’t take a position in his answer. “Typical Beshear answer.”
“Doesn’t take a position on anything.” Says we need bold leadership in Frankfort.

B: “We” have taken a lot of steps to fight drug abuse. Formed up an interstate task force with Ohio, West Virginia and Tennessee. Also “finally forced Florida” to put in a monitoring program, to shut down the pipeline.

G: ‘We can take the money we’re using or arresting college students for using marijuana and arresting the sick and dying for trying to take marijuana as a medicine (…) and put it into going after the hard drug users.” Says it will help with the costs of health care.

**SPEED ROUND**

Question: Do you support a state-wide smoking ban?

B: Supports local communities deciding for themselves.

G: Opposes it.

W: Local approach seems to be working.

Question: What specifically have you done to engage women and minorities in your campaign?

G: “Take a look at my running mate!”

W: Mentions Yearlings Organization debate where Beshear was absent. It’s important to engage everyone.

B: There are minorities and women in top spots in the campaign and in our government.

Question: Cats, Cards, Hilltoppers or Colonels?

B: “I’m for all those Kentucky teams.” (laugh from audience)

G: “I’ll be darned if I’m gonna fracture my base. I’m for all of them too.”

W: “Merry Christmas, everyone.” (That’s his actual response)

Question: What kind of car do you drive?

G: Daughters 1996 Lexus “and I still owe her for it.”

W: Lincoln. I always drive Ford products.

B: “I drive a Ford Hybrid Escape, my wife drives a Toyota Four Runner.”

**CLOSING REMARKS**

G: There’s a deal between “Mr. Beshear and Mr. Abramson that if Mr. Beshear wins, after two years he’ll resign and Mr. Abramson will have that spot. (Never heard that before) If you want Mr. Abramson to be your governor, that’s your ticket.” David Williams can not win the race; the polls show it. “A vote for me is a vote for your conscience.”

B: Senator Williams would love to bring a Washington-esque atmosphere to Kentucky, where party politics are more important than the public. I have brought people together. We’ve had a tough time, but the state is turning a corner. “I can promise you this: I will not rest until every Kentuckian who needs a job, HAS a job.”

W: “Yesterday was Columbus Day. Steve Beshear reminds me of Columbus: He was mistaken about where he was going, he didn’t know where he was when he was there and when he got back he didn’t know where he’d been and he did it all on borrowed money.” (Crowd applause) Says Beshear has “no agenda”. Says Kentucky needs someone who is pro-life, and who will stand up to Obama.

Overall I think It was a tie between Gatewood and Beshear. Williams at times seems annoyed, especially when Beshear brought up Williams’ gambling. Gatewood was typical Gatewood: blunt, occasionally rambling but personable. Beshear did a good job focusing on his strengths and accomplishments while in office. Williams didn’t offer any specific plans of his own, unlike Beshear and Gatewood. I would have preferred it if Gatewood would have expounded upon his plans for the state instead of referencing his website. I’m sure it’s more detailed than what you could deliver at that moment, but the majority of people aren’t going to the website while you’re talking about it.

The next debate between the candidates is on Halloween, Monday October 31st.

“Theologian-in-Chief”: Religion and Politics

What’s your religion?

Lets talk about it. I want to know all about it. Do you follow your religious text completely, or are you more lax when it comes to different sections of your holy book? Would others consider you a credit to your faith? Tell me why your religion is important to you.

Now explain to me how your religion, what you believe to be the Truth, is legitimate. 

Imagine if someone you didn’t know personally - in fact you haven’t met or even heard of this person before - started questioning your choice of religion. Hopefully you’d just blow it off, chalking it up as just some idiot who doesn’t know his or her ass from a hole in the ground. You’re proud of your faith, but you’ve never worn your religion on your sleeve, hoping that just being a good person and a valuable member of the community would be enough for others to accept you.

But now you’re running for President of The United States, and you’ve been asked to not only wear your faith on your sleeve, but to tattoo it to your face for all to see.

Mitt Romney – and every other candidate through “gotcha” questions – now has to talk about his faith. This is all because of Pastor Robert Jeffress, who while at a “Values Voter Summit” (whatever the hell that is), made some inflammatory comments directed at Romney’s Mormon faith. David French of The National Review sums up Jeffress’ points:

First, he claims that Mormonism is a ‘cult,’ not Christianity; second, he says Mitt Romney is not a Christian; and third, he asserts ‘Every true, born-again again follower of Christ ought to embrace a Christian over a non-Christian.’”

Jeffress tried to clarify his words by stating Mormonism isn’t a “sociological cult”, but rather a “theological cult”. What the hell is that?

Quite frankly, I could claim any and all religions are “cults” if I was a good enough debater. What separates a religion from a cult?

The word “cult” has a negative connotation to it: It conjures up images of men in robes, sacrifices, shady dealings and weird practices. There’s no way to put lipstick on that pig: Jeffress knew exactlywhat he was saying when he called Mormonism a cult. When he tried to weasel his way out of it with some Bill Clinton-esque word-twisting it got even more pathetic. Be a man and stand by what you said, since you obviously wanted the attention.

The second point is even more asinine than the first, but not by much. These pissing matches over who’s “more Christian/Muslim/Black/atheist” than someone else never go anywhere, they solve nothing, and they don’t mean anything. What makes one more Christian than another? Does reading the Bible every day make you more Christian than someone who donates time and money to the church, but doesn’t read the scriptures? Does a pastor that preaches vitriol and hatred, but is still a pastor, have more Christian credibility than a member of another church who has peace and love in his or her heart? Or maybe there’s even a convenient chart I can look at so I can gauge my Christianity and see if it’s up to your horse shit standards. Saying someone isn’t as “whatever” as someone else is dangerous in some circles, and still stupid in all.

This last point is repeated in essentially every religion: “Follow us and doubt all those who don’t.” Again, should I follow someone with a sketchy history and who is untrustworthy over someone who is of higher moral standards, just because the former is a Christian and the latter is agnostic? That’s unsound reasoning. I’d rather follow someone who has a track record of doing what’s right than some “foxhole Christian” that espouses so-called “Christian virtues” while they’re running for office then changes their tune when they’re elected. Politicians lie, and that includes what they say about their level of devotion to their faith.

Some members of the national media, most notably Candy Crowley of CNN’s “State of the Union”, believe other candidates should address Romney’s religion and their own. Thankfully, the candidates themselves and the public seem to believe Romney’s religion isn’t a big deal, instead focusing on their ideas for job creation (although we could be wrong about that – people tend to lie when they think they’re being judged, so while in public they say they don’t care, things change in voting booths.) There has actually been a public outcry over ”the media” trying to make this an issue since Romney is a front-runner for the Republican nomination.

The notion that this nation was “founded under Christian beliefs” is nonsense, and has been proven to be nonsense, and yet it refuses to die. Sure, God is mentioned in the Declaration of Independence, but God is not mentioned in the Constitution. In the treaty with Tripoli back in 1796, there’s this:

As the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion; as it has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion, or tranquillity, of Musselmen; and as the said States never have entered into any war or act of hostility against any Mehomitan nation, it is declared by the parties that no pretext arising from religious opinions shall ever produce an interruption of the harmony existing between the two countries.

That’s during Washington’s last term in office. So there goes the “founding fathers” part of the argument.

We’ve had great Presidents who were Catholic (Kennedy, if you think he was great), Jehovah’s Witness (Eisenhower, although he was baptised shortly after entering office), or with whom we’re unsure even practiced any religion (Jefferson,  Madison, Monroe). There have also been some pretty awful presidents who were Christian to the core (Buchanan, Harding, Pierce, Filmore).

If religion is that important to you where it influences your vote, then by all means vote with your heart. Yet stuff like this hold the country back, not push it forward. It doesn’t unite us, it divides us. Whoever you vote for, make sure that he – or she – is first and foremost up for the job, and pray for them regardless of whether or not they share your faith.

They’re going to need it.

Why Was “Whitney” Renewed?

Earlier this week we found out NBC picked up both “Up All Night” and “Whitney” for full season runs. I haven’t watched a moment of “Up All Night”, but it’s gotten good reviews and stars two people who have been successful in other vehicles. Plus Will Arnett has a dedicated following from the “Arrested Development” crowd, which is to say “most people nowadays.”

But what about “Whitney”?

As a goof for a live blog that deals with horrendous television, I watched the first episode of “Whitney” on it’s opening night. While I watching the show I was also on Twitter and the blog. The rest of Twitter couldn’t contain it’s hatred for everything outside of Whitney herself, especially that damn laugh track (more on that later.) As time went by, I felt as if I was developing stomach polyps. Every canned laugh made the polyps grow larger and larger, making my stomach hurt more and more. I felt the same watching “Whitney” as I do an hour after eating chipotle burritos. It got to the point during the pilot that if I had the choice of watching more of “Whitney” or  having unnecessary shoulder surgery, I would have contacted Anthem right then and there.

Yet this abortion had nearly 7 million viewers in its first week. For the second episode second week, it pulled in five million poor souls. That was enough for NBC to say “Why not? We have nothing going on anyway” and continue its run.

Yet that’s STILL down from the “high” of “Outsourced”, quite possibly the worst show I’ve ever seen in my life outside of another NBC shitstorm, “The Cape”. Yes, the old bad had higher ratings than NBC’s new bad show. How the hell can something that’s THAT God awful pull NBC execs away from their coke piles long enough to say “13 more episodes! If you can pry Deon Richmond away from his job at Whataburger for the role of ‘Black Neighbor’, that’s another 13!”?

I would be more outraged, but I know “Two & A Half Men” is (was? Who cares) the most popular sitcom on TV, as voted by people who either don’t own remotes or have terrible taste. Still, five million people? Maybe I missed something. I decided to watch the second episode to see if NBC’s golden turd was work my time.

First, lets talk about the concept of “Whitney”: It’s about Whitney Cummings, who’s a comedian in real life but in this show she just sort of…is. I don’t know if anyone works besides “Jaded Business Woman Who Drinks Too Much” and “Horny Frat Cop”. I didn’t bother to learn their names, and I don’t have the .2 seconds to look it up. Whitney lives with her boyfriend, “Hipster-Beard”, real name Joe or Jim or who cares. There’s also “Ditzy Party Girl” and “Indian Guy”. Right off the bat you learn the characters on Whitney are all one-dimensional. There’s nothing to them besides old stereotypes and rehashed characters from other shows. Sassy Black Nurse seems promising, however Hipster-Beard would need to get hurt every week for her to be a regular member of the cast. I’d be fine with that.

The pilot was about Whitney going to a wedding, trying to be sexy to her boyfriend, nurse outfit, and idk. I blacked out. I didn’t physically black out, but I had an out of body experience during the show. Not the good type, where I sort of die and see myself from outside my body, where I’m able to evaluate my life of watching really bad television, but my soul actually checked out, went into the other room to make a sandwich and wait until it was all over. What I do remember is a random laugh track that seemed to go off riiiiiiiight after each groan-inducing “joke”. Thank God that thing was there, otherwise I would have thought I was watching the worst drama ever, instead of the worst sitcom ever.

Oh the laugh track…”Whitney” claims it’s filmed in front of a live studio audience. However there didn’t seem to be even one genuine laugh the entire show. Did the audience not laugh the entire time? Were they all like me, and checked out sometime around Whitney complaining about something at the wedding? Shouldn’t that be a sign that maybe, you know…the show sucks? I can’t believe shows still use laugh tracks, but people still watch shitty shows, so…

At one point of the pilot, Whitney finds a hammer in their bedroom closet, asks H.B. (as he likes to be called) why it’s there, and while hilarity didn’t really ensue, it sent it’s regards. I don’t think we ever found out why it was there, but I didn’t and don’t care what HB had to say, and I never want to speak of it again. However the laugh track thought this was the funniest scene in TV history. That thing is such a good sport.

I took notes during the second episode, and no -”notes” is not code word for “shots”. I tried looking for the positives of the show, besides Whitney Cummings actually having good comedic timing and being attractive. I didn’t laugh at all during the pilot, in fact I didn’t even smile the first 40 minutes of the show’s existence. I made sure to make a note of that: the exact time of my first smile of the series was 7:42 into the second episode. I forget exactly what made I smiled, but I bet it was magical.

The premise of the second episode revolves around Whitney and HiBe (he likes that name, too) having an “official” first date. You see, Whitney and The HB(K) never had an official first date, as they just hooked up one night after having too much to drink at a bar. This disturbs Whitney, because if this is actually a big deal, the first time one would address it is three years into a relationship after the two of you move in together. So she talks to her hilarious friends, Ditzy Party Girl and Jaded Business Woman Who Drinks Too Much, and Jaded thinks it’s a terrible idea. Then Indian Boyfriend Who I Mistake For Kumar Then Felt Racist About Afterwards walks in, says something, I drink some of my soda, the laugh track has a fantastic time and the scene changes. This whole premise sounds like something Jerry and George would have pitched for the pilot of “Jerry”.

‘Whitney” seems to rely on two things: Age-old stereotypes, mixed in with technology and beaten-to-death pop culture references.

“Ha! People post mundane things on Twitter!”
“Yea! Guys suuuuuuuure do love sports, but those girls just CAN’T get it! What’s up with that?”
“Google is a great way to stalk people!”
‘Web 2.0!” – Not actually said, but might as well have been

HipBeBop (this guy and his nicknames, man) and Whitney go out to a Spanish restaurant for their date, and Whitney treats it like a Saved By The Bell episode by constantly saying “Time Out!” and giving Beardo instructions for how she wants to date to go. The whole time as two losers are blabbing, the fat waiter is just watching them argue, because apparently he has nothing better to do at Generic Spanish Restaurant. The best part of this entire exchange is when Hipster orders for the two of them. He orders “chicken” for Whitney. Just “chicken”. It’s a well known fact that the Spanish have thousands of meals for pork, but only one dish for chicken. Good call, “Whitney” writers.

This may be shocking, but Hipster Beard could be the most unlikeable spouse/loved one in sitcom history, next to Patricia Heaton’s character on “Everybody Loves Raymond”. This guy is such a douche that I hope to read in the paper tomorrow he overdosed on Arcade Fire albums and choked to death on his PBR.  We get it: You thought Arctic Monkeys’ latest album was uninspired. Go wait in the Volt.

Fashionably HipBe then gets into an argument with Whitney when he’s dropping her off at their place (They’re still on the first date at this point. Gold, Jerry, Gold!), she locks him out, he goes over to Frat Cop’s house where he’s…well, I’ll let you guess.



Give up? He’s drinking beer and eating pizza while not wearing a  shirt. Frop is that guy who has whiskey and beer bottles all over his apartment, not in a “depressed cop drinking away the memory of the kid I shot” way but also not in a “See that? Yea I drank that entire keg of Crown Royal myself in one night” arrangement. Without even noticing if the two have yet to interact, but I’d bet every Goldfish cracker in the world that Frat Cop and Jaded Business Woman will have a one night stand. It’s in the stars. HiBo bitches and moans, because “sensitive” seems like a personality trait Whitney and her no-nonsense, sassy attitude would be attracted too. At one point, Frat Cop equates vagina (WHOA NBC!!! Is this a rerun of “Real Sex” or Primetime Family Time!?) to pizza, which should have been followed by enough catchphrases and skateboarding to make Poochie go green with envy. In check with my stereotype point from earlier the exchange goes (and I’m paraphrasing):

Frop: Vagina is like food, man. I mean, would you really want to eat pizza every day for 3 years?
HORSE The Band: Yea, I love pizza!

Of Course you do, Brah! Us guys, man. And Women Be Shop’n!

After that they…I don’t even know.

I checked out.

I physically left my computer. Even though all I had to do was turn off the NBC website, I had to leave the room. I tapped out. I’ve only tapped out on three terrible TV shows in my life: “Prime Suspect”, “Back To You” and the new “90210″. I’m sorry, I couldn’t give it any more of my value “screw-around” time, which I normally reserve for farting or finding new and exciting ways to make fun of Philadelphia.

When I was certain show had stopped and I summoned up the courage to reenter the room – after I made sure NBC didn’t put it on an autoplay loop – I looked into the details of “Whitney”. Turns out NBC put, converted for the metric system, a shit ton of money into advertising for “Whitney”. Meanwhile ‘The Playboy Club” came and went with nary a limp dick joke or reference to something in the 60s.

Don’t believe me? Look! If NBC didn’t spend the equivalent of Senegal’s GNP on advertising for this pool of feline AIDS, “Whitney” would be up there with “Jessica” and “My Mother The Car” for TV shows we never gave a crap about when they were on and most likely didn’t even knew existed. Why just now I forgot “Hank” was ever a show. It’s that easy!

That just means we’ll only have to hear about how “fresh” and “sharp” and “random showbiz buzz word” “Whitney”  from the TV version of Pete Hammond for another year. I doubt NBC would throw more money at a dumpster fire if it stops bringing in the advertisers.

My advise is to give Whitney a chance. Not because it’s a good show, but because it’s so monumentally bad that it’s work just gathering your friends, planting yourself in front of the TV and just poking fun at every half-joke and poorly executed 80′s sitcom plot line. Who knows: Maybe that will be the night Whitney has two dates on the same night with two different people at the same time – IN THE SAME RESTAURANT! Could you imagine the wackiness!?

Do it for “Terra Nova”. Do it for “Playboys Club”. More importantly, do it for “Poochinski”.

In Defense of Hank Williams Jr.

I know what you’re thinking:

“Oh good, this asshole is going to tell me it’s fine to compare someone to Hitler. Can’t wait to read this.”

You probably didn’t say the latter, but I digress.

Well watch the video and then continue on to my comments:

In the video, he never says “OBAMA IS WORSE/IS HITLER!!!” or even anything close to it, as everyone is claiming. I would venture to guess only 30% of the people who are upset actually heard the comments themselves, instead of someone else’s synopsis of Williams’ comments. What Williams was doing, albeit rather poorly, was making a comparison. It was just a simple analogy about two people who normally wouldn’t associate with one another.

This happens all the time: Someone makes a comment, another person takes it the wrong way, a media member or sensitive person becomes outraged (or sees the potential in faking outrage), blows the comment up, demands an apology from the individual (even though the comment is rarely aimed at them) and usually the person under fire has a publicist write-up a phony apology. After that everyone gets orange slices and we move on. Americans love apologies, even if they mean absolutely nothing.

Did Williams deserve to get taken off of Monday Night Football?

Of course not.

First of all, he didn’t call Obama Hitler. You’re going to suspend someone for making an indirect comparison? Is that what we’ve been reduced to now? If you want to suspend him for something, make it the “The country this shape is in” line.

Second, his comments were on an independent network that isn’t associated with ESPN or the NFL. I doubt people were going to alter their viewing habits because the country singer who sings about flying stuffed pigskins in the theme song made a poorly worded analogy on a low-rated morning news program on cable.

Third…are we just supposed to just ignore the Disney history here? Anthony Cumia made a good point in that Walt Disney was anti-Semitic, and his name is still plastered all over the company. I doubt much of a fuss would have been made if Williams was allowed to continue his work.

Lastly, no one even noticed or seemed to care until ESPN overreacted and suspended Williams. ESPN cares! Keep watching our programming!

Now what if he had said something else besides Hitler? What if he had said something along the lines of:

“That’s like David playing golf with the leader of the Amalekites!”
“That’s like Rafael Trujillo playing golf with Stenio Vincent!”
(That one is flawed, but you get it)

Is it just the mention of Hitler? is that what enrages people to the point where even an offhanded remark drives them mad? How come Hitler makes things that much worse for people? Also why do people say Hitler instead of Stalin? or Mugabe? or Pol Pot?

Anyway, what Williams said was stupid, but he’s an entertainer and not a public figure. Who cares what he has to say? Just play the song and go away for another week.

Occupy Wall Street: List of demands?

The group “Occupy Wall Street” has posted on their website a list of demands that someone is apparently supposed to oblige. They don’t say who, so I guess it’s the President? When I heard this the first thing that came to mind was “Or what? What’s their leverage?” After thinking about that for roughly .4 seconds, I continued with my life without a care, as I suspect every one who heard the list ended up doing. This list is so misguided, so vague and without direction that’s it’s borderline laughable. Hell, it IS laughable. How is the general public supposed to get on your side when you can’t even focus on one goal? The list of demands is so ludicrous that Bond villians are at home going “that’s a little much.” It’s looking less and less likely that you’re doing this for “the people”, but rather just for your own personal vendettas against government and/or big business.

That being said, here’s a point by point breakdown of their demands:

Demand one: Restoration of the living wage. This demand can only be met by ending “Freetrade” by re-imposing trade tariffs on all imported goods entering the American market to level the playing field for domestic family farming and domestic manufacturing as most nations that are dumping cheap products onto the American market have radical wage and environmental regulation advantages. Another policy that must be instituted is raise the minimum wage to twenty dollars an hr.

It’s sad that all I have to do is read the first paragraph and already see you have no idea what you’re doing.

1). Everyone has a different definition of “livable” wage. You want to raise minimum wage? Okay, but then the dollar is devalued. Also I’m pretty sure jobs pay wages comparable to the work that is performed.

2). Making it more difficult for businesses to produce things overseas or for businesses overseas to ship their products here doesn’t work. In fact it has the exact opposite effect you think it will. If only there was a historical reference I could easily pull up to show you what a dramatic increase in tariffs would do.

Demand two: Institute a universal single payer healthcare system. To do this all private insurers must be banned from the healthcare market as their only effect on the health of patients is to take money away from doctors, nurses and hospitals preventing them from doing their jobs and hand that money to wall st. investors.

Knew this was coming. I don’t know enough about the health care system in this country (there are stats for everything, but stats don’t tell the whole story) but this isn’t going to to happen just from you. It’ll take a national effort for something like this big to go through, not a few hundred people dressing up on the sidewalks of Manhattan.

Demand three: Guaranteed living wage income regardless of employment.

What is the difference between this and point one? Redundant.

Demand four: Free college education.

I can get behind this – to a point.

With the terrible economy, college graduates have to come to grips with having  lousy job prospects while being in debt to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars. At the same time I don’t believe it’s the government’s job to make sure I find a job I like. Yet colleges are are selling kids on a dream, and a very expensive one at that. It’s not just for-profit colleges either; if you want a better job you MUST go to college. If that’s true, then how come most students who go to college can’t find a job in their field even three years after graduating? I was lead to believe that if I got this piece of paper, I’d have jobs knocking down my door and blowing up my phone. Instead the only people I have calling my phone are bill collectors.

However I wonder going through with this will this deminish the quality of secondary education. What’s your plan here? Are both state and private institutions going to be free, or are we supposed to get rid of all private colleges, like Yale and Harvard? A lot of states already offer scholarships to residents to attend a state university (like the SUNY schools in NY). So where are you going with this? Elaborate please.

Demand five: Begin a fast track process to bring the fossil fuel economy to an end while at the same bringing the alternative energy economy up to energy demand.

Create a demand by killing the other demand. Brilliant. I’m sure oil rich countries will just sign off on this instantly, too.

Demand six: One trillion dollars in infrastructure (Water, Sewer, Rail, Roads and Bridges and Electrical Grid) spending now.

I like this demand. Too bad it’s all the way at number six.

I believe we’re already doing that. Maybe not a trillion but damn close to that. Read the papers.

Demand seven: One trillion dollars in ecological restoration planting forests, reestablishing wetlands and the natural flow of river systems and decommissioning of all of America’s nuclear power plants.

That’s a lot of spending you’ve proposed so far with no real explaination on how we should pay for it all. I don’t understand the hatred of nuclear energy, since if it’s done right it’s cleaner than most other methods of creating energy, plus it’s cheaper. I do agree with the “reestablishing wetlands” remark, however. That would do a great deal on reducing the power of some hurricanes before they make landfall…however most of them have been destroyed for shipping lanes and land development. So good luck with that.

Demand eight: Racial and gender equal rights amendment.

Don’t we have this? Amendment #1 is all the basic rights that everyone knows, then the Constitution expands these liberties on to #14, then voting rights are addressed again in #15 and #19. I don’t understand why this is here.

Demand nine: Open borders migration. anyone can travel anywhere to work and live.

Whoever wrote this must believe no other country has immigration laws besides the US. If we have open borders with Mexico, that doesn’t automatically mean Mexico and Canada are just going to let whoever just walk in and out of their country. Also anyone CAN travel to Canada and Mexico and back for work, they just need passports and probably additional paperwork.  Basically this law is “let every illegal immigrant stay” ,aka amnesty, which is possible down the road but isn’t happening any time soon.

Demand ten: Bring American elections up to international standards of a paper ballot precinct counted and recounted in front of an independent and party observers system.

This is a real talking point somewhere? I believe we had paper balloting before and there was still massive corruption. So now you want to go back to that? Also let us stop pretending that other countries have zero corruption, please.

Demand eleven: Immediate across the board debt forgiveness for all. Debt forgiveness of sovereign debt, commercial loans, home mortgages, home equity loans, credit card debt, student loans and personal loans now! All debt must be stricken from the “Books.” World Bank Loans to all Nations, Bank to Bank Debt and all Bonds and Margin Call Debt in the stock market including all Derivatives or Credit Default Swaps, all 65 trillion dollars of them must also be stricken from the “Books.” And I don’t mean debt that is in default, I mean all debt on the entire planet period.

Again, we apparently live in a vacuum. All other countries will agree to this because some people are on a street corner in Manhattan, preventing the roasted peanut guy from setting up shop. Good call.

Demand twelve: Outlaw all credit reporting agencies.

The low point of a list that included the likes of demand #11. No one should be held accountable for any debt, ever. Bravo.

Demand thirteen: Allow all workers to sign a ballot at any time during a union organizing campaign or at any time that represents their yeah or nay to having a union represent them in collective bargaining or to form a union.

I had trouble deciphering this one. Are you calling for the right for every group to unionize? Are you saying you don’t want secret ballots? I can support this if it’s “allow every group to decide if they want to be part of a union”, because people can make the decision for themselves.

My main gripe is that this list of demands is all over the place and asking for way too much at once. If they actually cared about accomplishing something, they’d focus on one cause and pount the hell out of it. Instead, they act like movie villians and demand all the tea in China AND all the sugar in Cuba. Ridiculous. Also they’ve completely lost whatever message they had in the first place. It’s a shame: it could have been used for good but instead it’s the blind leading the blind.

Blog at WordPress.com.
Theme: Esquire by Matthew Buchanan.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 218 other followers